LETTER TO SAINT PETER:

Office of St Peter
Celestial Realm
Attn. Saint Peter.
                                                                                        Office of hypocrisy
                                                                                         Liberty University
Sir: 
I write to request your forgiveness of Jerry Falwell Jr. He feels awful about being caught watching the pool boy shtup his wife. While he feels sorry for Becky, having to find her liaisons in other ways, he has assured me that he will now whack-off watching porn DVDs, there are, he tells me, several featuring poolboys and pizza delivery boys. Both he and Becky are having to live on reduced circumstances, having been fired by the University and having a small severance of only $10.1 million. These are placing a further strain on the family finances.

We all know that Jesus died for our sins. His sacrifice would be in vane if we didn't sin, right? We all know the stories of people of faith whose faith was found wanting. They were saved by God, and some were even sent a bumper-sticker which reads, "I'm not perfect, just saved". We ask that you grant Mr. Fallwell the same dispensation. Sort of like the "Indulgences" in the Catholic church in the-- what 11th century. He would be willing to buy such a service, making payments over time of course.

We ask you to remember a case during the George W Bush administration: the case of of Dr David Hager, an OB/GYN who was appointed to the Advisory Committee on Reproductive Health Drugs in the Food and Drug Administration, to stand in the way of over-the counter sales of the contraceptive drug, PLAN B. To refresh your memory, there are so many cases that must tax your memory especially given the  two thousand of years of human history which you have witnessed from your Golden Throne. The case started when Dr. Hager gave a speech at his alma mater, Asbury College in Kentucky. He began his speech with a passage fom Ezekiel then stated, "God has called me to stand in the gap, not only for others, but regarding ethical issues in our country". Nice start, huh?

Unfortunately his ex-wife, Linda Carruth Davis, was seated in the audience. She had once been a co-author of some of Dr. Hagars books on Christian women's health issues. Dr. Hagar, while not being trained for medicine is a well respected advocate for prayer in women's health.Their son was a featured vocalist at this convocation. This event was written about in The Nation on May 30, 2005.

Unfortunately Ms Carruth-Davis was not receptive to her former husband's speech. She was so enraged that she revealed to the press the story of how her former husband, "standing in the gap of moral clarity", had repeatedly sodomized her for most of their marriage, against her protestations. She had, she continued, even been sodomized while she was sedated on medication due to an illness.  In a somewhat amusing side-note he would make the grand gesture of leaving a check on her bureau, after her abuse. I mean bribes work for most Republicans, right? The former Mrs Hagar was a good Christian woman who was, in the words of former Governor  Mike Huckabee, "gratefully subservient to her husband who was gratefully subservient to the church". Perhaps this subservience was enough to apply your blessing. 

During the 32-years of their marriage, Ms. Carruth-Davis progressed from no longer being grateful to no longer being subservient. She is still a Christian conservative, but has redrawn her boundaries. Dr. Hagar also remains a Christian and conservative. We assume his boundaries have been similarly redrawn.

Word around the faith community is you have granted your pardon to Dr. Hagar. We ask that, in the same spirit of Christs blessing, you grant your pardon to Dr.Fallwell Jr. He has been concerned about his celestial reward of late. So concerned that he has even allowed students on campus to mix races, in a display of God's evolving g grace. 

On behalf of Jerry and Becky, I thank you for your consideration.


Sincerely in God, 
William R. Buttkiss
Dr. Of Proctology.

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