OXYMORONS

     There aren't many conservative humorists deserving  of the name. Dennis Miller was a funny guy on Saturday Night Live, but his career tanked when he was hired byFoxNews.  Conservative humor is not ironic it is cruel, as befitting Libertarianism, sometimes called the death of altruism. P.J. O'Roarke is a notable exception. I have chuckled at his humorous ripostes over the years even as he slid the knife across liberal throats. He is that quintessential Libertarian. A political orientation that thinks of itself as better than the more prosaic Democrats and Republicans. Never-the-less, when the votes are counted they are spooning with the Republicans. Paul Ryan would be one of them but like most Republicans, he is not funny.

     One of my favorite quips of O'Roarke's is, "the Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass from your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it".

Humor doesn't get much better than that, I think. It is the double-edged sword that cuts both ways. I should emphasize here that I am not a humorist, at least I'm not paid to be funny. I sometimes describe myself as a secular humorist, but the joke falls flat. I'm like Paul Ryan but with a sense of humor, neutered as it may be. I have already illustrated that that is a low bar, the equivolent of a participation medal.One of my faults is I like to break down sentences for hidden meaning. Sort of a pedantic without status. So let's take the estimable Mr. O'Roarkes joke apart, I think i have found the liberal gem.

     Democratic governments often fall short of the mark, but they at least aim for it. When they work, they work well and more people are the beneficiaries. For instance, government can actually make you smarter. It's called public education. Yes, if you have the extra cash, little Merideth and Johnny will get a fine education in some of the best prep schools, before moving on to higher education. And you, the proud parents can write off your investment in their future. But for most of us, our checks disappear before the childcare comes due. Our public schools were once models of education. Years of neo-liberal economics and trickle-down economics, plus the need to harden our schools to protect children from the proliferation of guns among people who are short of the standard of, "good guys with guns", has left public school budgets too lean to bring educational standards into the 21st century. So our children cling to their 47th place rating in world educational standards. 

     Government can make you taller. Oddly enough, this is easily proven. My dad, one of 10 children nine who lived passed 20, was something of a runt until he joined the army. He grew to be a solid 6'2" during his enlistment. Children who grow up with adequate nutrition are healthier and less likely to have stunted growth. Many countries provide some version of public healthcare and social safety nets that provide nutrition to all citizens. Republicans call this socialism, but it is really just public concern for the generation that will eventually change our bladder control pants. Funny how they ignore public subsidies to successful multi-national corporations. Funny also, that this is covered in the sacred books of all of the Abrahamic religions, one of which is the preferred republican faith.

     Richer is a somewhat harder goal to achieve, a difficulty not unlike Paul Ryan delivering a joke written for him by Al Franken and, having it get a laugh. Still, government can provide a modicum of economic stability to the greater population with little pain to the one tenth of one percent. If you can have housing suitable to your needs, and suitable nutrition, the elasticity of the child's mind can work on other less pressing issues, like Algebra 3, or philosophy, or building the next generation of artificial intelligence. It worked for Bill Gates and Steve Jobs who built their respective table-top computers in their fathers garages.

     Where Democrats will make no progress in removing the crabgrass from the lawn. What they will do, is provide the legislation that will regulate the herbicide and pesticide companies that will protect children, pets, and beneficial wildlife from being poisoned in the name of profits. That will allow those children to grow taller and be smarter also. Plus they won't suffer the trauma of watching fluffy die a miserable death. Additionally, the groundwater is not larded with chemicals from the inattentive lawn keeper. That should be considered a benefit as well. Some libertarians, or republicans for that matter, should be exposed for their cowardice among corporate donors responsible for chemicals that have an L.D. 50, a lethal dose for 50% of users.

     It should not be forgotten that it is the Democratic party who has warned us of global climate change for the last four decades. Conversely, Republicans have refused to acknowledge that possibility. Not only does this affect the usual areas of climate activity, forest fires, hurricanes, and such, but it also effects the quantity and distribution of traditional water sources. This of course affects human livability in a multitude of ways, and in a wider geographical area, and thus helps children grow taller and smarter, and their families be comfortable with their small degree of wealth. None of these public goals would have been possible if Republicans had maintained a solid armlock on government, as Mitch McConnell is attaining.

     I do not know how PJ O'Roarke will regard my capture of his quip. I don't even know if he will find the humor in it, maybe if I "sold" the punchline. I hope he doesn't sue me for patent infringement.

     I hope I'm at least funnier than Paul Ryan.