A CONUNDRUM

     My youngest son Aidan has a wry, ironic sense of humor. I don't  know where he got it. His mother has a good sense of humor, that would be one place to look. When he was in 3rd grade his mother moved them to Dundee, from Northeast Portland. New school, rural location, conservative politics. Aidan was out of his element. Even worse, he started school in Dundee after the winter break. I had the boys on weekends and I tried to provide them with fun, enriching opportunities. When in the car, I would play DVDs of music I liked, this was the early days of streaming and i'm not an early adapter. I also searched the library files for old humorists, to cater to their developing sense of humor. Tom Lehrer's musical parodies (First you get down on your knees, fiddle with your Rosary, then you bow with deep respect and/ genuflect, genuflect, genuflect), Smother's Brothers, Allen Sherman (Hello muddah, hello fawda, here I am at Camp Grenada). Aiden was also into Weird Al Yankovitz, now the subject of a movie starring Harry Potter star, Daniel Radcliffe. There was, simmering away in Aidans head, a crisis building, a crisis colored by musical comedy.

     I got a call at work on a Friday, it was my ex and she was worried. Aidan had been sent to the office for an unspecified threat on the school bus. On the following Monday we were to meet the principal at 9am to see if he would be kicked out of school. His offense? A bit of school-yard doggeral parodying the Woody Guthry song, 

This Land is My Land, 

This land is your land

From the California's

 to the New York island...

He was singing this to a friend on the school bus and somebody overheard, perceiving it as a threat.

     There were many examples of kids suffering harsh punishment for such seemingly inoffensive actions at this time. A news article of the time told of a kid who was kicked out of a school because his mother packed a butter knife in his lunchbox to spread some creme cheese. A BUTTER KNIFE. My wife and I were strongly against our boys having toy guns. They found more creative pursuits, like making guns out of Lego's. We were at a 4th of July celebration at some friends and my friend asked me before offering, if my kids wanted to fire his potato gun. I gave my consent. It was the subject of much excitement, because they had no experience with either guns or potatoes as projectiles.

     On the Monday following Aidan's visit to the principle, Aidan, Nancy, my ex, and I sat before the stern principle of Dundee grade School. She told us of the incident reported to her and waited for our response. I was beaming with pride for my young son, but tried to remain straight-faced. Nancy explained to the principle that neither of us owned guns, nor did we allow toy guns. The principle remained unmoved. It was now my turn. I explained to her that we were both proudly liberal and that the only contact either of us had with the NRA was the National Restaurant Association, and we probably would not be welcome there. At this the principle broke out into a wide grin and tore up the expulsion papers.

     Aidan went on to to play a saxophone in the grade school, middle school and high school band. He has perfect pitch, according to his middle school band leader, and likes to play jazz. After high school he attended University of Oregon and recieved his BA in music theory, then attended Boston University for his Masters. Unlike his older brother who has a dual baccalaureate in history and writing from Pacific University-later a Masters in writing from Unversity of Glasgow, and with whom I can communicate on both subjects, Aidan's music theory is above my understanding. We do, however have fun joking about current events. 

     I honestly don't know the answer to these seemingly harsh administrative tactics to perceived threats. Incidents of kids bringing a weapon to school are not unheard of, though still are rare. Mostly it is young adults with anger management issues bringing guns to a school to release mayhem on those too young to understand his anger, it is mostly all men that we are talking about. But a butter knife seems pretty harmless. School yard doggeral seems pretty harmless. Perhaps these accusations are tools that other kids might use to gain some kind of control over new kids, or those kids the bullies think they have the right to abuse. That was nearly 20 years ago and we had fewer mass shootings thanks to the assault Weapons Ban that ran from 1994 to 2004. Once the Republican majority allowed that law to sunset, mass shootings shot up (forgive the metaphore) from 5.3 per year to 20 per year in 2017. Since then it has gotten even worse. We know who to blame for this, I don't need to tell you. But nobody is going to take those people to the principals office. Because of attacks on the voting process by that group, we are stuck, not only with that unholy alliance propped up by the Uber-Holy, but the laws they pass (or refuse to pass) and a Supreme Court now in the pay of rightwing pressure groups. In the meantime, the kids who were bullies in grade school are now parents of bullies in grade school. The grown-up bullies now feel free to bully school boards, accusing teachers and administrators of being woke, or "groomers" or other epithets used far beyond the boundaries of word usage. And let us be clear, that political party has used hyperbole as if it is meant to be considered seriously. Concurrently, they are trying to get this thing called "school choice" which means giving tax rebates to parents wanting their children to be educated in private schools. Hidden within this wish for school choice is the choice for parents to keep their children away from families they wish to exclude from the society of their groups. Jews, blacks, Hispanics, liberals, the usual culprits of progressivism.

     So now we have reached the culmination of that school yard doggeral that parody's  Woody Guthrie's song meant to unite the country, at least the country now in possession of the land that once was the land of the native Americans.

" This Land is My Land, 

This land's not your land, 

I got a shot gun (or AR-15)

And you don't  got one...."